As you go through your day and interact with the world around you remember you have a choice. What you think and how you feel are intrinsically tied together. Change one and you will most certainly change the other.

Resistant to change.

Who are they? Why are they the way they are? What can we do about them?

Who are they?

They are your boss, your coworker, your spouse, your best friend and perhaps they are… you. They will often tell you they have been this way as long as they can remember. They speak of lateness as if it was part of their makeup—like their eye color or toe size.

They will tell stories from their childhood of being marked “tardy” in school. They will recall family members warning them to “hurry up or be left behind.” They will often speak of this characteristic with a sense of resignation noting that’s just the way they are.

These are not the people that arrive five minutes late. These are the people that seem to operate not in another time zone; they seem to occupy another time universe.

Why are they the way they are?

The short answer is they are that way because people let them be that way. As a general rule when people know lateness will not be tolerated, they are as punctual as the next person. For example, most people are not late when they are flying. They know the plane is not going to sit on the runway and wait for anyone. Most people are on time when they go to see a movie. They know the projectionist is going to start the film with or without them.

Lateness is often about power. People will wait for me. Meetings will be restarted. I will be the center of attention. It is at its core a selfish act.

What can we do about them?

Stop rewarding late people’s behavior and punishing the people who are considerate of other’s time. “How are we punishing considerate people?” you might ask. We punish considerate people when we don’t start meetings on time. We punish considerate people when we make them sit and listen to information they already heard. We punish considerate people when we allow their projects to be held up because someone is late with their contribution.

Want to get late people to behave?

Get bold.

Vow to never again repeat the contents of a meeting once the late person walks in the door. Unless they have a true emergency, start the meeting without them and don’t change anything when they arrive.

If they are driving with you and repeatedly show up late, leave without them.

Make being on time a condition of employment. Get them help if you like. Teach them how to anticipate and schedule their time better if you like. If, however, in spite of your best efforts they continue the behavior, the next step may be to fire them. (I promise you will not have to do this more than once or twice.)

Ah, but what if the person is my boss?

Leave a copy of this article on their desk.

Leave it anonymously if you need to.

ATTENTION ALL BOSSES:

YOUR TIME IS NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN OTHER PEOPLE’S TIME.

LEADERSHIP IS ACCOMPLISHED BY SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE.

“DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO” IS NOT LEADERSHIP.

THE ONLY EXAMPLE CONSISTENTLY BEING LATE SETS IS THAT POWERFUL PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE TO BE CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS.

As you can easily conclude, lateness is not one of my favorite behaviors.

When it comes to the tardy people, many of us act like we’ve lost good common sense.

For too long we have worked around late people tolerating their behavior and altering our own in order to accommodate them. A change in our expectations and a change in how we reward this behavior will go a long way to finally changing it.

In doing so, we will help create a workplace marked by consideration and mutual respect.

This poses quite a problem when we have a major snowstorm. Years ago we all realized that if we were going to get our cars to the main road we were going to have to shovel our way out.

And that is what we have done time after time. We start at the top of our hill and we shovel our way to the main road. Like an army of ants we shovel our street down to the pavement.

The elderly are excused. Their walks and driveways are shoveled for them. We are not a territorial group so parking places on the street are shoveled out for everyone.

If you are young and able bodied you are expected to help. New comers receive a knock on their door on their first snowy day and the process is explained to them.

It’s the way things are done on the street where we live.

The Street Where You Live

Organizations are very much like neighborhoods. They too have histories, traditions, values and rules. Knowing the rules and spoken and unspoken expectations in your corporate “neighborhood” are very important if you want to enjoy your stay on the “street where you live”. What follows are three stories that highlight the importance of knowing those rules and expectations.

Bob’s Story

Bob is a very successful salesman in his software company. He is also a very strong believer in separation of one’s work life and one’s personal life. He works very hard at work but believes the end of the workday is the end of his obligation to his employer.

There is a small problem. Bob is employed by an organization that places a high value on social interaction. The company president loves company outings- picnics, trips to the ballpark, softball leagues, potluck lunches, company dinners etc. Last year the company president came to me. It seems that Bob had become conspicuous in his absence. He was the only employee that never came to a company function.

I talked with Bob and he explained his separation of work and play policy. Besides, he explained, many of these outings involved sports- an area in which he had no interest.

I asked him if he had ever taken a client to a baseball or football game. “Of course I have” he replied. “I believe in doing whatever is necessary to maintain good rapport with a customer.” “What about the ‘internal customers’” I asked. “How important is it to maintain good rapport with your coworkers?”

Bob got the message. While he’ll never be there for all the after-work functions he is no longer the lone wolf who never attends. He understands this is part of what is expected on “the street where he lives.”

Martha’s Story

Martha was frustrated. “Why?” she asked. “Why was it necessary to say “thank you?”

“These people are adults,” she explained to me. “Why do they need to be coddled?”

“Three reasons” I replied.

“What’s ‘thank you’ trading at on the London Exchange this morning?” I asked. “Is it still at zero?” Complements, I pointed out cost nothing. That’s the first reason to give them.

Second, they help moral. I’ve heard almost every employee complaint in the book but I’ve never heard an employee complain about receiving too many “thank yous”.

The third and most important reason I explained was that the founders and owners of this company prided themselves in being kind thoughtful human beings.

“That’s not the way people behaved at my old company” was Martha’s response.

I proceeded to tell Martha the story of how our neighbors shovel the snow.

The jury is still out but I suspect that if Martha doesn’t lighten up a little this company may soon cease to be the “street where she lives.”

Charlie’s Story

Charlie understood the importance of his company’s Wednesday morning meetings. It wasn’t his fault if his Blackberry kept vibrating. He was a busy guy and these were important calls and text messages. Besides, how did people expect him to continue be one of the biggest revenue producers if he didn’t return his calls? If someone was talking in the meeting he would step away and speak quietly to the caller. It wasn’t like he was being rude. “That’s exactly what you’re being,” I pointed out. “Rude. Your behavior indicates that what you have to do or say is more important than the topic being discussed in the meeting.” I wasn’t the first one to tell Charlie this. His boss was at his wits end. He didn’t behave this way and neither did anyone else in the meeting! Charlie got the message. The last few meetings have seen a more attentive and much more considerate Charlie.

He seems to be getting the message that on the organizational “street where he lives” courtesy is a requirement.

Learn the rules or face the consequences.

So what about you? Are you being a good neighbor? Are you aware of the important rules and expectations in your corporate neighborhood? Understanding your corporate culture can often be critical to your success. Fail to grasp these norms and your “neighbors” may one day ask you to “move.”

Should you or others in your organization need help becoming better “neighbors” I am always an email or phone call away.

I’m in the hope business.

I spend my days giving others hope.

Hope that communication will get better with their coworkers.

Hope that their ideas for increasing business will work.

Hope that their unemployment will be short lived, and they will find a job that brings meaning to their lives.

I offer hope through my one-on-one coaching, my group presentations and my writing.

And these days I’m very, very busy.

Hope, it seems, is suddenly in short supply.

Where Does Hope Go?

In the media and in print the stories seem to have no end. Businesses in trouble, people out of work, houses being foreclosed. People are seemingly resigned that their fate is in someone else’s hands, and there is nothing they can do about it.

What happens that causes us to finally give in, give up and begin to lose hope?

Hope is closely tied to confidence, and confidence is directly tied to the messages we give ourselves on a daily basis about what we believe to be doable and possible.

When the message is a positive one, “That will work. That was a good idea, etc.” hope is in good supply.

When the message changes, the hope supply begins to dwindle. Our positive affirmations are replaced with less hopeful ones, such as “What if it doesn’t work?” “What if the worst thing that could happen does happen?”

In a hopeless state we begin to think in extremes. We decide on our own that there are no jobs, that any business could fail any day, that everyone is struggling, that no idea we have will work.

Forget that that information is often blatantly untrue. (ex. There are currently approximately 150 million people working in the United States. That’s more than the population of many countries.)

In spite of information that might contradict our fears, we become convinced that the worst is here and we begin to play this message over and over again in our minds.

Because our brains cannot differentiate between something we vividly imagine and something that is actually happening, negative thoughts that get repeated begin to feel real.

When this happens, hope temporarily vanishes.

How Do We Get Hope Back?

The short answer is: Change the way you think.

When we change the way we think, we change the message from negative to positive and it is the positive self-talk that allows us to have hope.

For hope to return, you need to think the way you think when you’re feeling hopeful. One of the easiest ways to do that is to remember a time when you refused to have anything but hope.

I remember the day each of our three children was born. It was one of the most hopeful days of my life. My world was full of possibilities rendering me all but immune to any negative thoughts. If I had learned my house had burned down, I would have probably remarked, “That’s OK, we’ll get another house…”

I was forward looking, focused on the positive and in a state of thankfulness and gratitude. It is hard NOT to feel hopeful in that state of mind.

Maybe you have a hard time thinking of hope-filled moments. Maybe you don’t view yourself as a particularly hopeful person. If that is the case, find someone who is. Most of us know or have met people who appear to be optimistic and positive. Find one or two of those people. Ask them how they stay positive, mimic what they do and begin to act “as if” you are feeling hopeful.

After a short period of time, you’ll find yourself actually feeling more hopeful.

Try it.

Hope may be in short supply for others but it need not be a missing part of your life.

Choose to focus on what you have. Choose to focus on what works. Choose to focus on what is good about your life.

In doing so you will create a sense of hopefulness that will enable you to not only survive but actually thrive in these very challenging times.

People often confide in me.

Because I spend most of my day with decision makers, many of the secrets I hear are simply privileged information ranging from thoughts about organizational direction to personnel questions.

The news is not necessarily bad and may include discussions about promotions or how to distribute profits.

The conversation about secrets, however, can sometimes turn into the “office of the confessional.”

And then I begin to hear different kinds of secrets. These are the secrets born of mistrust, hurt, and fear—the kinds of secrets we all know too well.

This is what I have learned about secrets.

The Different Kinds of Secrets

Secrets come in two forms—benign and toxic.

People know the difference between a secret that protects and one that harms.

They know a surprise birthday party is not the same kind of secret as an affair.

Part of my job is to make sure people are clear about the kinds of secrets they are keeping and why they are keeping those secrets.

Why We Keep Secrets

We keep secrets because we are frightened, angry, hurt or unsafe.

We keep secrets because we have lost trust and feel out of control.

The secret and the information we have give us a feeling of control, at least temporarily.

In order to maintain control, we must maintain the secret; and to do so, we sometimes choose to mislead or even lie.

The Two Ways We Keep Secrets

We keep secrets by confiding in others or by misleading others.

From time to time when a client tells me their secrets, they are telling me they have lied or are about to lie to someone.

Sometime they are not even aware they have lied.

Most people think of lying as actively misleading someone by giving false information.

There is another way to lie— by withholding information.

Nice people, it seems, like to lie by omission.

They lie not by what they say but by what they leave out.

What to Do?

I have worked in organizations where it is neither wise nor appropriate to share some secrets because of the way they might be received.

I do not regard that as lying.

I regard that as being prudent about what one shares and when one shares it.

I also believe secrets sometimes should be withheld until the person being addressed is in a proper frame of mind to hear what is being said.

That being said I believe it is best to be as transparent as possible.

We do that by caring.

Caring enough to hold ourselves to a high standard.

Caring enough about others to tell them the truth.

People (and organizations) are as healthy as their biggest secrets.

This week look at your world and the world of those you care about.

What are the secrets that need to stop being secrets?

“That pig?” said the farmer, “First of all, that’s not just any pig. That there’s a Hero pig. One night last year we had a fire start in the barn. Now that pig set up a squealing that woke everyone up. We got to the barn just as he was herding the last animals out. Saved ‘em all.”

“And that was when he hurt his leg?” inquired the man.

“No sir, he pulled through that just fine.” said the farmer. “Good thing, too, cause a few months ago I was back in the woods clearin’ brush when a bear comes out of nowhere and starts attacking me. Well, sir, that pig hears the noise, he come a running, set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure.”

“Whoa! So the bear injured his leg?” continued the man.

“Nope. He came away without a scratch. But if he hadn’t I might not be here. You see last spring I was out plowing when my tractor turned over in a ditch and trapped me underneath. Well, that pig dove right into that ditch and pulled me out before I got cut up in the machinery.”

“Oh, so his leg got caught in the tractor?” asked the man.

“Noooope. Both walked away from that one too,” said the farmer.

“So how did he get the wooden leg?” the man quizzed.

“Well,” the farmer replied, “A pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once.”

A funny story but not so funny if you’re the pig.

What about you? Are you a “pig with a wooden leg?”

o Are you always available in a crisis but seemingly forgotten afterwards?

o Are the needs of others consistently deemed more important than your needs?

o Are you loyal to people who do not seem to return that loyalty?

If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, read on and pay special attention.

Murray’s Story

Years ago I worked with a wonderful man named Murray.

Murray was a partner in a mid-size manufacturing company. He was the ultimate “go-to guy.” Need someone to deal with an impossible client? Murray was your guy. Founding partner being difficult? Go see Murray. Murray was the consummate team player.

And smart too. Year after year Murray’s division turned a profit. He seemed to be everywhere. He helped the other partners stay on track when the founding partner wanted to renegotiate his original retirement agreement. He assisted in bringing in a new CFO.

Murray may have seemed to be everywhere but Murray was tired. It was time to retire. As Murray approached his late 60s, he announced his plan to his fellow partners. Their reaction was definitely not what Murray had expected.

“What will we do without you?” “Who will handle all your roles?” “It’s just not a good time for you to leave.”

They implied the funds were not available to support his remaining years of retirement. Only after Murray threatened to sue did the partners agree to honor their commitment.

There was a brief announcement that Murray was leaving. On his last day of work, he quietly packed his belongings and left.

Murray was hurt. What about his needs? He had given his entire professional life to the company and this was how they treated him.

Always there in a crisis. Always putting the needs of others first.

Just like the pig with the wooden leg.

Elizabeth’s Story

Elizabeth was a third-year associate in a large law firm. Her firm had recently acquired a smaller firm. As often happens, there was some duplication of effort. Elizabeth was asked to leave and the firm sent her to me to get some outplacement counseling as part of her severance.

“I don’t understand?” the young associate said. “I’ve always gotten excellent reviews. I’ve done everything they asked me to do.”

“What is the name of your garbage man?” I asked. “Excuse me?” was her reply.

“You know, the guy who empties your trash each week?” “I have no idea,” Elizabeth responded.

“That’s right.” I pointed out, “All you know is you put the cans out full of trash in the morning and when you come home in the evening, they’re empty. You were like the garbage man here. Quietly doing a job but keeping an almost invisible profile. When your firm and the new firm went around the table to talk about who should stay and who should go, no one had a bad thing to say about you. But no one had any compelling reason to keep you. You had never spent any time advocating for yourself, but your counterpart at the other firm had clearly made sure numbers of people knew his value.”

Elizabeth simply assumed if she saw problems and solved them, everything would be fine.

Just like the pig with the wooden leg.

How to Make Sure You Don’t Become “The Pig with the Wooden Leg.”

Murray and Elizabeth’s fates need not become yours if you consistently do the following:

· Don’t assume your contributions insure fair treatment.

Have you made a point of making sure the decision makers in your organization know exactly how you are contributing and how others are benefiting from those contributions? In other words are you tactfully “tooting you own horn?”

· Always have options available.

If you are not being treated fairly have you thought about alternatives? Where else can you go? What else can you do?

· While the relationships are very important, remember it’s a business.

Do you know exactly how you contribute to the organization’s bottom line? Are the decisions makers aware of your value? How do you know?

· Keep your expectations grounded in facts—not wishes.

Do you expect to be appreciated while the facts indicate you are being taken for granted? Do you expect loyalty when the facts indicate you can’t trust some of those around you?

The pig with the wooden leg had no idea the fate that awaited him. With a little planning and a lot of awareness, you can make sure your “legs” are not cut out from under you.

The Money Adulterer

The Money Adulterer is having an “affair” with money. Just as an extramarital affair is about secrets, so is a money affair.
Making financial decisions that affect other people in important ways without discussing those decisions or withholding fiscal information they have a right to know are classic signs of financial disloyalty.
If you have credit cards your partner does not know about, if you hide bills and balances, you are most likely exhibiting the behavior of a Money Adulterer.

The Money Hog

The Money Hog believes decisions about money are theirs and theirs alone. They do not consult others about money decisions and become defensive and even hostile when their money agenda is challenged.
If you believe no one but you can make good decisions about money, you may be a Money Hog.

The Money Bully

The Money Bully is first cousin to the Money Hog. The Money Bully uses money as leverage and as a way of controlling others. Money Bullies believe “allowances” for other adults are a good idea though the concept should never apply to them. They believe withholding or making others grovel for money is appropriate, especially if the person has displeased or disappointed them in some way.

The Money Santa

The Money Santa is the polar opposite of the Hog or Bully. The Money Santa loves to make people happy and hates to see them unhappy. They are generous and lavish to a fault. They love providing “the good life” for everyone. The problem may arise when they want to provide for a generous lifestyle but can’t afford it.
While the loans and credit card debt may be piling up and their credit rating may be suffering, they are unwilling or unable to give up the illusion that they are capable of functioning as a nonstop ATM machine.

The Money Avoider

The Money Avoider hates to talk about money. Money scares them. Talking about money makes them anxious. They often are not paid what they are worth or don’t charge what they deserve because talking about money is just too uncomfortable.
They prefer having other people deal with the day-to-day handling of money choosing to avoid the subject as often as possible.

The Money Child and Money Parent

The Money Child is the Money Avoider on steroids. They are often partnered with a Money Parent. They don’t know how much their partner makes—that’s the job of the Money Parent. They don’t ask how much things cost—also the job of the Money Parent. They don’t know how much it costs to run their home or their business. (I have lost track of the number of times I have asked someone how much it costs to live each month and the answer is “I don’t know.”) When they want something, they are often confused or resentful when they are told “no” by the Money Parent.

The Money Vaporizer

Money has a chemical reaction when it meets the pocket of a Money Vaporizer—it vanishes. Money Vaporizers don’t like and are not comfortable with money so they rid themselves of it as soon as possible. The more they make the faster they spend. They might have been taught negative lessons about people who have money and/or may feel undeserving of it for some reason.
Their bottom line: if it’s not there, it’s not creating a problem.

What to Do?

The money issues that have just been articulated may appear very different but there are common denominators in effectively dealing with these issues.

Many of these behaviors are either mirror images of or our reactions to what we learned about money growing up. The behaviors are often times deeply ingrained habits and many are motivated by fear and lack of awareness.

The first step in dealing with problems of this magnitude is establishing open lines of communication between yourself and the affected parties.

If you are the person with the issue, you need to be honest with yourself, not in a judgmental way but in a matter of fact manner—this is the behavior and these are the consequences.

If you are the affected person, you need to confront the other person with a spirit of concern and with the goal of understanding the behavior and moving toward a solution.

Money can be an emotionally charged subject. The key to reaching a place of accommodation is mutual honesty and respect. Taking such an approach will go a long way to establishing a dialogue and correcting your particular money missteps.